The following are 8 reasons not to touch the raw vegan diet with a 10-foot pole.
1. You like your bladder just the way it is.
For those of you who are particularly grossed out by public bathrooms, it would probably be best not to pursue a lifestyle that would increase and improve your bladder function because lemme tell you, you're going to have to see the inside of a great many public bathrooms.
This can majorly detract from your quality of life when you're out and about.
(Plus, your pee will become boring and clear instead of entertaining you each time with different shades of yellow.)
2. Being a couch potato is really more your kind of thing.
Raw vegans eventually seem to end up becoming nature buffs if they weren't already. After awhile, they all generally have urges to become nekkid sunbathers and outdoorsy, sweaty people.
If being outside for more than 10 minutes at a time with dirt, bugs and other perils of nature is not your idea of fun, then I highly suggest you do not ever explore the raw vegan diet.
3. Soda is your best friend.
If soft drinks really hit the spot for you, if you are proud to call yourself a loyal and true Coke or Pepsi fan...
If your entire house is decorated in mugs, banners, blankets, antique signs and various other paraphernalia with soft drink logos and mottos on them...
And if your mental health depends on jump starting each day with a good 12 oz jolt, then forget this diet, it will make you crazy.
4. You NEED your quality bathroom time.
What's there not to like about being constipated? It gives you a whole lot of bathroom reading time. When you go on a fruit diet, it's in and out quite literally. In seconds.
This has seriously cut into my reading time, people. So if your bathroom break is your designated reading and relaxing time, then this diet is definitely the wrong one for you.
5. You don't want to offend any of your friends and family, ever.
No matter how quiet and polite you are about your diet, you will inevitably have some people in your life feeling like you're judging them.
These people will take it very personally that you are choosing a fruit diet and may possibly berate, insult, avoid or make fun of you.
Thankfully, MOST people are very cool about it. But if you don't want to offend anybody, EVER, and you cannot stand being made fun of or being different, then stay far away from the raw vegan world.
6. Happy people disturb you.
If you're quite happy with your current quality of life, and being able to eat whatever you want, then please, do not attempt the raw vegan diet. Why even go there?
Because - mark my words - you will seriously mess your lifestyle up and you will quite possibly end up feeling all peaceful and vibrant and sparkly in your soul, which could get very annoying, because people who are constantly happy really bug the crap out of you.
7. Compliments are not your thing.
Do you get all mortified, self conscious or simply irritated when people tell you how good you're looking, or how they can't believe you're not (insert age about 5-10 years than you really are)?
Because if so, you better not even THINK about changing your lifestyle because eventually people will start noticing how good you look and feel most of the time, and they WILL point it out and ask you lots of questions about it.
8. You're obsessed with your bath and body products and you don't leave the house without makeup, thank you very much.
Here's the deal - most people go into this whole raw lifestyle just by dipping their toes in cautiously. But sooner or later, most of us fall into a deep abyss of no return.
And pretty soon, it's not surprising to hear of someone else giving up their shampoo. And then it spreads to the demise of the fruity-floral body washes. And then facial cleansers go down the drain. And then...dare I say it...bye bye deodorant. (And of course, the razor and makeup got lost somewhere along the way.)
So if the George or Jane of the Jungle look horrifies your senses, better move on now before you get any closer to that dark abyss.
Your turn to play.
I only touched the tip of the iceberg, so c'mon, I know y'all have tons more great reasons for me. Bring it on! Just play nice okay? :)
*Disclaimer - This is a totally silly tongue-in-cheek post, friends. I hope it is received as such. No offense meant to anybody, whatever you choose to eat. :-)
36 rotten tomatoes:
Nothing to add but wanted to quickly pop in for a second and say THANKS FOR THE LAUGH I needed it this morning.
:-)
Thanks for the chuckle. :-)
XOXOXO
I loved this :) I may have more to add later, but for now I just wanted to say great post!!!
Hee hee! This was a great and funny post! Good job!
I remember #3 oh too well. My choice of pop was Mountain Dew. Oh boy! Me and Mtn Dew were like this (fingers crossed). I mean forget any alcohol it was Mtn Dew! It was so bad (my friends had the same relationship w/it) that we would would of course buy the stuff by the cases but we'd make our own Dew pyramid in the unused fireplace, similar to what could be found at any frat house but with beer cans instead. And then to top off that Dew we'd pretty much snort Smarties!! what dorks!! But yeah, I've given up the Dew for a year now and all's good now. :)
I did find the exciting pee colors to also be particularly humorous!
Hey there!
I recall asking you today for a reason...Is this an answer already?
You are fast!
Never was addicted to pop. Gross!
Gimme my coffee!
I don't use any make up or deodorant. I can see partying with shampoo in my near future, maybe bodywash. But the razor stays!
I like men's hairy legs, mine I prefer smooth and suntanned.
That was great blog!
Hope you're all recovered from that heat issue. I was surprised someone who was born in Malaysia would have trouble in 98 degrees. It's 98 degrees in Malaysia in the middle of the night.
Another reason not to go 811 is that you love keeping your acne medicines. Why not keep spending hundreds of dollars on acne medications? It's always nice to see the cute young pharmacist at the local CVS when going in for a refill. No?
One other weird thing is this strong urge to always wanting to do spontaneous back flips while walking around everywhere. I never had that urge when I was on other diets...boy I miss the old days - NOT! :)
Awesome :)
That was a really funny post, Sarah. Thanks for the belly laugh today!
XO
Pixywinks
ps. Try the avo in a paper bag. I'm sure it will last a bit longer. I've done it both ways.
9. You love the idea of staying big, round, and fleshy. For those of you who enjoy their large rolls of fat, I mean flesh, going raw is definitely not the way to go.
10. You enjoy eating meals fit for birds. People, this raw thingy is for voracious eaters. If you can't stomach the thought of consuming large quantities of fruit, then this way of eating ain't for you.
Sarah, your wild, naughty side came through clean and clear in this, your most audacious post to date, and quite honestly?
I love ya for it.
Sarah,
You write so well!
Thanks for the laugh. :)
I was laughing to myself reading this because I realize that I'm now far more likely to be pinning for wilderness adventure at any given time. I work inside, and I'm always annoyed at the squandered outdoor time.
Also, I'm such a sun worshiper now. I've got bronzed skin except for where my shorts block the sun. I was looking at a mirror the other day thinking, "Damn, I have to find a place to sunbath naked."
Then I thought about that thought and realized that I was a very changed individual. 18-year-old Andrew would be aghast.
***If you frequently and joyfully use the excuse "Honey, not tonight. I have a headache." Be forewarned that headaches will no longer plague you on the raw vegan diet. Maybe you should stick with South Beach.
Soda is my vice. It keeps drawing me back. I ordered a few books today, to give me more motivation and ammunition.
Ha, Sarah, tooooo funny!
1. I know every convenient bathroom in the area.
2. "they all generally have urges to become nekkid sunbathers and outdoorsy, sweaty people" Oh, too true. When the weather's nice, I want to be outside constantly. My skin's getting leathery and wrinkled, but it's worth it to feel the sun.
4. Yay, no more constipation.
6. "you will quite possibly end up feeling all peaceful and vibrant and sparkly in your soul" Sounds good--I can't wait.
7. I just got a very nice compliment yesterday.
8. Yup. No 'poo, no soap, no deodorant, no makeup...just a little aloe occasionally and underarm shaves.
I've got one...When grocery shopping, if you don't enjoy being asked questions like, "What are you going to do with all that fruit? Are you making pies," then the raw diet is not for you. ;)
Swayze
I love your humor on this article...LOL!!
The little kid reading while doing his ahem business....is so cute!!
brilliant. thanks for the laugh.
Very funny Sarah!!! I have crossed over in most of those reasons!!! Giving up shampoo was the most recent!! Deoderant (I use a stone now) went about a year ago and when it's sunny I can't wait to get outside!!! You are too cute!!!
Totally unrelated, but did you see that post at http://shazzie.com/raw/articles/raw_vegan_children.shtml, about raw vegan children? I got so angry after seeing that since she is just so wrong. My 2 1/2 year old is the most beautiful little toddler. I would be interested in your opinion (that is if you have one, not sure if your kids are actually raw). Have you ever posted about that or considered posting about it?
Nadja
Forgot to say that we raised our daughter raw vegan, 100%, and she is so incredibely healthy, smart, full of energy.
Nadja
i just started two weeks ago...to the 811 lifestyle...but have been raw vegan since march...not 100%..more like 80-90...still waiting for that constipation to lift. (>.<) much better than normal but...
hey, sarah...did you happen to have a chance in your uber busy schedule to read my email? i would LOVE your comments and wisely guidance. ^____^;;
when your time permits .. OF COURSE>
love this blog!
This list was funny, and I think I am good with everything except the losing the makeup/razor/fruity stuff part.
...and I really like the thought of being one of those "happy-happy" people everyone hates!!
:)
Hi Sara with an "h",
This is funny! I never realized there were so many advantages to going raw vegan. The pictures added to the humor. Great job!
I totally agree with Shazzie's post. I saw a young girl at a raw event a few weeks ago, she was perhaps 10 or so - and she looked emaciated and anemic - very pale and you could tell she'd had it up to here with her over-enthusiastic mom dragging her out to another raw foods event.
I know your post was to be funny, but much is lost when one turns to a lifestyle such as this as well. I mourn many foods, and when I realize that many of the foods I mourn are actually healthy foods, I think that my body is trying to tell me something (I mourn beans and brown rice, a warm cup of tea, miso soup, fresh cheeses and yogurt).
I am ready to jump ship, feeling like this diet I'm on is yet another fad with a guru that lacks proper medical background. That's the devil on my shoulder talking.
The angel says, it's time to start reintroducing some healthy cooked foods.
I'm not feeling 'vibrant' anymore.
Food should not make you unhappy. Raw is awesome, but if it makes you unhappy you are just adding negativity to your life, which isn't good. Check out Tonya Kay. She's about 90% raw, most days she's 100%. She chooses to drink tea sometimes, sometimes she also eat some brown rice.
Read this on tea:
http://tonyakay.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1102
Check this out on occasional cooked food:
http://tonyakay.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1053&highlight=cheese
Oh sorry I meant she's more like 98% raw.
Vered, you're welcome :D I was in a goofy mood!
Wendi, thanks you :)
Heidi, I never got into the taste of the Dew. My drink of choice in college was Dr. Pepper. I think maybe it was a Texas thing?
Luba - no, not an answer.... yet. :-) Just a coincidence.
Green, I haven't had the back flip urge yet, but my kids was doing cartwheels the other day and I spontaneously joined in. I fell and looked really stupid, but hey, it was fun. And I, too, am shocked that I had problems with heat. NEVER in my life before. I think it must have been a combo of the crowds and other things in my life going on at the time...
Si - thank you!
Lisa - I'll try the paperbag thing next time I need an avo to keep longer. For now - I always have 3 little open mouths to share an avo with anytime I want to get one open. haha!
Chris - I like your "new" moniker! :-) And no. 10 is definitely a biggie...if you think you already have a small stomach...going on this diet is only going to expand it. Ha!
Nell - I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Andrew - 21 yr old Sarah would have snorted and fallen over if she could see 31 yr old Sarah. :-) And my no. 1 goal in life lately is to get out of the burbs and live in a place where I can sunbathe nude WHENEVER I WANT.
Sarah - HAHAHA! I should add that one to the official list!!! :-) That was soooo funny
Anonymous - Best wishes with your goals to get soda out of your life! It is hard, but I promise, it is worth it.
Oasis - that is toooo funny that you know every bathroom nearby. That totally cracks me up. :-) I do too!
Swayze - ah yes, for sure. I started making up smart alec answers and when I'm feelin' silly I just give those instead.
Evelyn - I loved the pic too. So classic! :-)
toffi - you're welcome! Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. :-)
Robyn - I'd love to hear more about the stone! This is the first time I've heard of it?
Nadja - I did see that article. I'm sure there are healthful ways as well as unhealthful ways to feed children a raw vegan diet. I don't think I'm going to post about it though - I already see enough people putting their opinions out there about it. :-) I'm very happy to hear that your daughter is doing so well on this diet! I believe it. Personally the several I have seen (either IRL or pictures of) seem very healthy and sparkly to me.
Mila, I sure hope your troubles get better soon! And yes, I DID get your email and am simply behind on email, among other things. I will explain more in a post in a little bit. I do plan to reply soon! :)
ex-londonmagnetgirl - eh, just give it some time. We'll see about that. HAHA!
Barbara, thanks! :D I love expressing my goofy side.
Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that you're not experiencing good health right now! I think we should all do whatever makes us feel truly alive and vibrant. To me it is about choices and consequences. I think some people can be healthier on a healthy cooked diet than on a low fat raw diet, simply depending on their emotional state. Emotions take so much out of us and really affects our health too! Best wishes to you as you continue on your journey to health, wherever that may lead you!
Anonymous #2, thanks for your comment to anonymous #1! I agree with what you said!
anonymous2: agree with Sarah. you said it beautifully. And, i remember the interview sarah had with lennie Mowris, and what struck me was akin to what you said: feeling alive and vibrant. I know for me, the 811 path is not easy..but i love it. i love fruit. i have a super sweet tooth. this lifestyle works for me.
and, like sarah said beautifully too: she likes to think about choices and consequences. something i think dr. d says in his book, too.
for me, i know my 'junk foods' are DIRECTLY linked to my emotions. As i have been on this 811 path, i am finding myself going to grab a junky food and saying "nope. i want to sit with what i am feeling instead. get it out of my body, not put it into it'.
anyhoo....
oh! one more thing: Sarah, thank you. I figured you must be bombarded with email. i am so grateful to you for letting me know it's on the list. ^____^
THANK YOU!!
Here's one: If you like walking around the grocery store slogging through all the processed food isles or perusing the bloody meat department, and spending your heard earned cash for this 'stuff' then Raw Foods are not for you!
Thanks for your informative, witty post!
The Annie Within, that was a good one!!! I can't stand the smell of dead meat, never could.
I hope your fast is going well! :)
great post!
Hmmm .. I'm not a raw vegan, but:
1. I find that I spend a lot of time looking for a bathroom
2. I am outdoorsy and very sweaty, though I am not a sunbather
3. No soft drinks, though I did love me some Diet Coke with lime
4. No quality bathroom time, sniffle ..
5. People already think my diet is weird and I think it's normal
6. I am one of those annoyingly happy people
8. I don't see myself getting rid of shampoo or deodorant, but I don't have much else
Hey - does this mean I'm a raw vegan at heart? LOL
That was such a funny cute post!!! I just stumbled across your blog today and I'm so glad!!!
I really liked this. As I read I'm thinking, yup, teehee, yup. I'm not even all raw yet, just vegan. I've already given up the deodorant and shampoo though. :)
Hi Sarah and everyone else, I just happened to get to this post by doing a search on my online name thru some unusual new search engine...but anyways, more than the humor thing, i have made an effort in controlling the soda addiction for quite some time...months now and i never knew my pic itself could educate me or point out my ridiculousness so clearly, until this article...but truth is that though i still do consume soda and plan to never to consume hard drinks as much, its far less and more in control. :D
i was fortunate the restaurant ppl didn't throw me out for trying out the weird shot.
I love you!
Found your blog off the no'poo thread on Living and Raw Foods. And oh boy - you're inspiring me to go raw and vegan :D.
I've always loved salads and fruits, am now going no 'poo, have ditched face wash, hate soda and potato chips... I guess I'm approaching the point of no return, yes?
Love the way you write - yes, especially the rambles. I'm blogrolling you, hope you don't mind!
Post a Comment